Making the Most Out of Change and Growing Through It.

Making the most Out of Change and Growing Through It.

Life doesn't always work out how you plan. The last six months for me involved the ending of a 8 year marriage relationship. In the midst of this personal and relational transition, I have learned a few fundamental things that I would like to share with you. (I think they relate to any transition, cultural or otherwise)

1) Expect the Unexpected.

2) Adopt the Attitude of a Learner.

3) Find/Build/Develop your Support System.


If you apply these lessons you will find that the journey through is not as hard as it would be otherwise. Lets look at each lesson a little more in depth.


1) Expect the Unexpected.

Lets face it other people, & circumstance can not be controlled. As hard as we may try, we will find that the people we love or things we wanted to happen, do not go according to our expectations. This dichotomy (the mismatch of expectations with reality) creates anxiety, stress and emotional and physical discomfort. Essentially this is what culture shock is.


Think for a moment with me, isn't this how culture shock works?

We move to a new place and things are done are different. We are living with one set of expectations and we find that life is not done in our new place the way we have experienced it in the place we came from. How does that make you feel?

The reality is that both are not good or bad, they are just different. We just need to expect the unexpected. So how does this relate to my relationship?

Well I expected that things were going great. but the reality was that they weren't. I was confronted by the fact that my expectations and the expectations my now x were at odds.
We developed unhealthy communications styles and miscommunication built up into resentment and anger over time. Relational walls were built that split us apart. One day my x came to me and said she was done with the relationship and it was over. I was shocked and after some time realised the situation was a fork in the road. I had a decision to make. I could react with harsh and bitterness of my own and blame her for her part in the death of the relationship or... I could take the attitude of the learner and grow from the situation. Lets look at what I mean by attitude of the Learner.

2) Adopt the Attitude of a Learner

Life daily presents us with the opportunity to learn and grow. It is up to us as to accept the learning or reject and discount it. To have the attitude of a learner means that we take our own responsibility for how we react to situations and circumstances we put or find ourselves in. It means that we look for what we have contributed and seek to understand our own behavior and the behavior of other people involved. I means we work toward gaining a deeper realization of what is creating conflict or what is working. The critical step in learning is to apply our new knowledge in a practical way. This means adapting to new ways of doing things (such as the way things are done on the new culture we are in) or changing or incorporating the new reality into our belief about the way things are.

For me I had to accept my own responsibility for my own behavior and acknowledge the behavior of my x which brought us to divorce. I also had to accept the work of seeking to understand myself and seek to understand my x (her position and the reasons and expectations behind her behavior)

Sometimes the reality is that there is nothing we can do to repair what is broken. Personalities clash and people decide to part company for different destinations in life. and it may not necessarily mean either person is in the wrong, they just have made different decisions. While it does hurt emotionally and can feel like a betrayal (when what we expected doesn't happen the way we expect) have the attitude of the learner. The point is to learn for what is currently and next in life.

When we have the attitude of the Learner we are open, discerning and receptive to grow in whatever circumstance we jump into or find ourselves in. We are living consciously aware of what we allow into or lives. It is a state of personal empowerment, instead of being a victim of life and circumstance. We can make choices about what we will learn and who we will become.
Having the attitude of the learner doesn't mean we just accept everything, it means that we can be discerning and determine what we will accept and learn. Somethings we may chose not to learn. In new circumstances things can seem overwhelming but when we realise we always have some choices it makes the transition we are facing easier to navigate and take in.

If we could just do all of this learning on our own, we could all live on our own islands and be perfectly happy; the fact is we need each other, other people to walk and talk and experience life with us. as the saying goes... no man or woman is an island! This brings me to the third part of the puzzle. Find/ Build /Develop your support system.

3) Find /Build /Develop your support system.

Life is not lived in a vacuum. we need other people in our lives. it is though interacting and making choices and missteps that we can grow and live up our true potential. Just because we have been hurt or hurt others doesn't mean we shouldn't engage and connect with others.

We all have a part to play and a contribution to make. lets say you are in a new environment. you need support. the question is are you the type of person who creates a support system around themselves or are you the type who looks for the existing support system and plugs in? the fact is that there is not just one way to get the support we all need.

Life is never meant to be lived alone. you don't have to do it alone. I believe you will grow and get the most out of life to the degree that you connect with others. This too depends on your needs and goals. You don't have to be a "networker" if all you need is a couple of deep friendships that will tell you like it is and stick with you no matter what. If you are looking to spread the word about something "networking" may be the very thing you need to co connect with a large audience.

The fact is we need each other. Don't be afraid of rejection. it will come sometimes but there are others out there that will support and help with what we need and we can help then they are need. A support system is a two way street. We just can't take we must also give back.

So what do you think?

Remember that when you are facing change and want to make the most of it and grow through it to : 1) expect the unexpected. 2) adopt the attitude of a learner, 3) find/build/develop your support system.